My fiance and I have been together for 8+ years, close to 9 years. I know...I sound stupid being with someone that long, with no kind of marriage committment...believe me, I've asked myself why he would have ever proposed if he had no intentions of ever getting married and spending way too much money on an engagement ring.
Long story short, he had a first love from 20 years ago who broke his heart (we've all been there). She cheated on him continuously for the 4 years they dated between him and her ex-boyfriend. He has told me over the 8 years we've been together how much that impacted him as a person and fundamentally changed him.
Well, low and behold, I set him up a Facebook account and within 10 minutes of his profile posting, the ex sent him a friend request. He told me that he thought it would be a bad idea to accept her as a friend, but that he didn't want to be rude to her. Me, not wanting to look insecure and petty, told him to go ahead and accept it...if she didn't have sinister or alterior motives, then it was no big deal. Keep in mind...this girl is married now and has a child (and she is also 10 years older than me...that made me smile!)...I was thinking to myself, she couldn't be faithful 20 years ago and apparently can't be today, either.
Now that she has sent this request, he has all of these unanswered questions that he'd like to get answers for from her...if he's happy with me, what does it matter, right? Maybe this is why he has never married me, huh? So, he sent this long email to her about his unanswered questions...in which, he let me look at before he sent it and has told me again and again, that he would not hide anything from me and would let me see all communication from her...keep in mind I do have all of his passwords, but I am not that kind of person.
The long email he sent to her was complementary of me, but also talked about how much she hurt him. He also told me that he still loves her but is not in love with her...I don't understand if someone hurt you like that, why you would even want to be friends with them or have any contact with them. I mean, forget about the people that didn't treat you right and love the one that does, me...
Well, the email she sent back, I'm not sure how to take it...said things like , ';I will love you till my last breath...blah, blah, blah';...you get the picture...he has not responded to this email, but states he still wants answers.
I guess, I am asking how do I interpret this? Is he still in love with her? Maybe a guy's perspective would help here...ladies, I just have that woman's intuition in my gut. Even though he is not hiding anything from me, it still makes me feel very awkward and yes, we have fought about this...now, I'm just playing it cool and acting as if I don't care...which is what I should have done from the get-go...because when I got upset, he stated to me that I was pushing him away from me and turning him against me....said the my insecurity was very unbecoming of me (my gosh, 8 years and you won't marry...geez)...what do I make of this, honestly? Is she a homewrecker?How do I deal with an ex from 20 years ago?
Your Answer:
Ok i totally see your point in this but i cant help but see something from his side as well ..
Sometimes when someone u loved so dearly hurts u the way she obviously hurt him, it does break something in your soul that isnt easily fixed even years later.. My x husband cheated on me, and left me to raise 2 children alone.. and for years i secretly wished he'd come back and make our family whole again.. because the pain i felt was so deep that i ';thought'; if he came back that the pain would go away, and i thought i loved him still.. and could get through anything.. but i was wrong.. years down the road i realized i didnt still love him in the fact of who he was to me now.. i was in love with the person prior to all the pain and hurt.. the person he is now i could careless about ..hes not the same person anymore, I will till the day i die love my x husband.. but that person is ';dead'; to me now and someone else has emerged and taken his place .. a person i dispise that has hurt me so badly and our children.. but its been 12 years and the pain and unanswered questions still are there to a ';degree'; .. some ive answered for myself just seeing how he is now even from a far.. .the fact that he's still a cheater even on his current wife, i know its just in his lack of character that he is a cheater.. and then during a weak moment in his life.. he admited he messed up and regreted leaving etc.. so it was like a huge weight had beeen lifted off of me, to know he atleast realizes that he messed up.. and although not all of my questions have been answered enough has been answered for me to let go of some of the hurt and pain ive suffered for many years the ';whys? what did i do? What if's ? etc.. and i will admit it scarred me emotionally so badly that it still affects me and my relationships to some degree today.. He has unresolved issues, doesnt mean he wants her back, just means its been something inside of him thats been eatting him up enough that he needs the answers to be able to move forward in his life.. when someone leaves u , and hurts u so badly it does leave alot of insecurities with in u .. and id be willing to bet that ur bf loves u alot but he's so scared that eventually ur going to leave him just like she left him that it keeps him from taking that next step.. he needs closure.. and needs to feel like he wasnt some piece of trash like he feels that she just threw to the curb after kicking around a bit.. I know for me when my x husband tried to hit on me years later, and admitted to regretting how he left and how he treated me, it didnt make me want him more, it made me let go of the past more made me feel empowered.. funny how being the one rejected in itself can make someone ';crave'; the need to feel self worth.. i have a feeling that if u leave it alone.. atleast for now.. let him work through this.. ';for now';.. ask his questions get his answers.. i think u'll find that it doesnt pull him closer to her, but empowers him more to be able to move on with out her..
Now i do have ONE small issue.. in this with him.. the fact that when u did get jealous, his reaction the ';your insecurity is pushing me away and unbecoming';.. well what the hell of course its going to make u insecure.. because your not the one in his head or his heart so your having to go on blind faith and knowing that this woman does have a tie to him is going to make you feel some what paranoid.. so he needs to suck it up that your going to feel this.. If he's entitled to his feelings of needing to get answers and you accepting there is a part of him that will always have a special place in his heart for her , then YOU are entitled to have insecurities and to have your feelings about this situation that he needs to put up with as well, he cant have it all his way.. this affects both of you , not just him.. ur in a committed relationship and no matter what comes from this good or bad, it does affect your lives ..
Now the fact tha ther reply was '; I will love you till my last breath'; .. she's someone that doesnt know what she wants in life, and obviously miserable in her own life.. because if she loved him so much why did she treat him so badly and why wasnt he good enough at that point in her life? has she had some lightbulb that went off that she realized she had something good and gave it up? Oh well this is the consequences of her actions.. i dont think she truely loves him heck i dont believe she ever really did.. i think she's in a marriage and right now they could be a low point , and she's wanting or wishing to have either ur man or any man at this point boost her ego and make her feel loved etc.. and well easier with him cause well she knows him in the sense they have a history together so always easier to go after the ';familiar';.. He needs to ask her to please answer his questions, and then once she does.. he needs to take his answers and go.. no good can come of this relationship they wont be able to be friends because theres to many bad feelings and emotions involved.. so he needs to get what he needs from her then part ways.. and move on..
Be leary of her.. but trust your bf to do what is right.. he's the one thats committed to you , not her, she should be able to say anything and everything to him, and HE should be the one that bats it down.. because of his love for you.. And if he cant be faithful to u its better to find out now that u can or cant trust him, before that ring does go on your finger... This here should be your bf ultimate test of loyalty and trust for you.. if she can not suade him.. then i doubt any girl could ever.. u've been together for along time.. longer then her.. u have been faithful, loyal and understanding of his feelings.. if he is worth his salt.. it will show now .. , so as much as it hurts, and scares u to face this.. let him do this and prove to you either way if he is as devoted to you as you are to him.. it could have a better outcome then u think.. or it could get bad real fast, but either way he controls the tempo of how things go .. and i think in order to move forward he needs to work through his past.. or it will always being a lingering problem for both of u .. him not being able to move past his issues.. and u always worrying if he loves her more then you and if she were to re-emerge would u play second fiddle to her.. i think u need to know that when push comes to shove.. that he will ultimately do the right thing and put your relationship with him first..
Be strong, trust in him, dont worry so much about her, as watch how he responds to her.. allow him to say what he needs to about the ';PAST'; if ever it comes into the ';PRESENT TENSE'; or the ';FUTURE TENSE'; then u need to worry.. but right now he just wants questions answered that he's had inside of him for years that he finally has the opportunity to get off of his chest.. so he can close the door once and for all on her..
Good luck and i hope in the end this makes u more of a solid couple then constantly questioning the past to the point that it effects ur now and future..How do I deal with an ex from 20 years ago?
i don't think he's still in love with her. i think he needed closure from when he was in love with her.
watch and listen. don't talk about this one, just watch and listen. soon you will have your answers.
good luck.
This is too long and unnecessarily detailed.
no
GOD!!
GOD IS THE MOST AWESOME THING ANY HUMAN COULD EVER EVEN HOPE TO EXPERIENCE EVER!
I urge all families to all hold hands and ask together. : say this prayer
you will never regret it.
Put aside your unbelief and Say this prayer so God can come into your life, He is right there waiting, hoping You will make this choice %26amp; say it.
He has a plan for your life He can and will help you with everything. He wants you to be the best you can be. He loves you and gave You free will to choose having His unfailing love in your life or not He loved you first and left the door open for you. Its up to you to walk through into His loving arms.
God can help you, If only you ask Him.
If you want to accept Christ as Savior and turn from your sins, you can ask Him to be your Savior and Lord by praying a prayer like this:
';Lord Jesus, I believe You are the Son of God. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. Please forgive my sins and give me the gift of eternal life. I ask You in to my life and heart to be my Lord and Savior. I want to serve You always.'; Amen
He helped me and I want you to feel his Love too.
Then pass on this prayer to others so they can get to know Gods unfailing love too!
Your instinct is what my instinct is reading this. It's all incredibly awkward. I can't believe he even wrote to her and had the audacity to show you, almost like he was searching for a (sick) approval. It's not cool. He should delete her from his page and move on. She is feeding his vulnerabilities by writing back that Hallmark-ish response.
Tell him it's not acceptable and you wont stand the contact between them. Tell him and he should respect you. It's not fair.
Good luck.
He is not in love with her and she definitely is not in love with him - she's looking for some play time.
But you also need to understand that his not being in love with her don't mean he is in love with you either. 9 years later and there is no sign of commitment.
He is making excuses. He is just not ready to love anyone above his own hurt and he might never be able to do that. Nothing is going to happen with him. It's time to move on to someone who can love you back.
You deserve better.
She's not a home wrecker, because you don't have a home to wreck - you're not married, remember?
Yes, he's still in love with her. He's only not with her because he thinks he's not supposed to be. He wishes he was with her, and you can bet the farm this email she sent him has his head swimming and his heart pounding.
You should have thrown in the towel on this dead end ';relationship'; about 6 years ago.
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