This is my problem: He hasn't spoken to me since Feb when we had a disagreement over the custody schedule. His wife was talking to me until about a month ago and has now e-mailed me saying that I shouldn't contact her by e-mail either (keep in mind all verbal/written contact has been cordial-no argueing). She says if I wish to communicate with them, I would have to send a letter via my daughter or have my daughter relay the information.
I can't make them talk to me and I don't want an argument or court battle. What are some ways to deal with this? Counseling is out of the question as they will not attend. Reasoning with them does not work either. I am at witts end dealing with them.
We are all over 30.
Anyone ever have this problem?!How do I deal with an ex that's not willing to deal?
Actually, counseling is an option. Unfortunately you have to get a court order to get them to attend.
Bottom line, it's not in your daughter's best interest to relay messages. ALL the therapy books and experts regarding shared parenting say to keep the child out of the middle. After all, she may open the letter, or wonder what is going on.
Your ex is obviously upset. His wife as part of that team probably realizes that in the interest of family peace, she needs not to contact you if it makes him angry.
Please look up Shared Parenting Support Program (or SPSP). It is a coparenting program that turns the parental relationship into a business arrangement. It strictly limits contact except regarding the child, and under specific parameters (ie, weekly coparent telephone calls with a check list you each go down.)
The sooner your ex realizes that you both have to deal with each other, the quicker you all can move on.
Email her back one more time saying you will not relay messages through your daughter, and suggest coparent counseling. If they refuse, check with your attorney regarding an order for coparent counseling.
Usually one party resists the SPSP or coparent counseling, but once it gets going, it is beneficial.How do I deal with an ex that's not willing to deal?
Mail them a letter saying you refuse to communicate through your daughter because it would be putting her in the middle and will hurt her and cause her to feel like she needs to choose sides. You can then put a sentence that if they don't wish to communicate directly, then you'll communicate through lawyers.
People really need to grow the **** up.
OK, you have to have some sort of communication about the daughter. It is unfair to the daughter and puts her in an awkward position to have to be the middle man. You don't have to agree or even be friendly, but you do have the right to be informed of activities and you have to inform them of activities somehow. The best way is to be able to send an e-mail. Just make it short and to the point... She has open house from 6-8, or whatever. It isn't fair to the daughter to place so much responsibility on a 9 year old. What if she forgets or loses the note. Unfortunately the custody schedule is set for a reason, and I suspect one of you wanted to change it verbally for a reason and the other didn't agree, which always puts a kink in things, and they may be trying to punish you for not giving them what they wanted, but you are the adults, you ahve to communicate, you don't have to get along, and you don't want to put to much stress and responsibility on the child. Don't contact them if you don't have to, if you do have to, send an e-mail. Keep sent mail receipts so that you have a record that you relayed the information to them. What they do with the e-mail is up to them. Best wishes!
In California its a matter of record that every visitation order includes that no messages are to be passed through the child. It also states that you can't ask the child for infor about the other parent.
What the new wife is suggesting is stupid and pointless... since you shouldn't wrap your child up in any more drama than she's already been through. Plus, emailing requests or comments makes it easier for both sides to keep records of your conversations.
I would suggest that you either talk to, or email, your ex husband. Tell him that you both agree to disagree about your falling out in Febuary but its time to move on and get to the place where you're both working on your child's best interests. I would side step the new wife all together since really... its none of her business. Step parent means step aside when issues like this come up.
Hopefully, your ex will remember that he's been mature about this up till now... and there's no reason to change that.
What is wrong with you? Why are you uprooting this child every week? She needs a stable environment--a permanent home. If the child is supposed to be living with you, you need to place her in a school closer to you. She can visit with her father on the weekends and on holidays. As it stands now, you are not doing what is best for your daugher. Both you and your husband are playing games with her life, and that's not fair.
If your husband won't communicate with you, let him deal with the courts. His wife has nothing to do with this, so stop trying to reason with her. No court will approve of the ridiculous schedule you guys have in place--moving this child back and forth every week, like she's a pet. How dare you! The child needs a stable, secure home. You say you are over 30. Start acting like it and do what is best for your child!
I have this problem with my ex. I try to talk to her and ask her things all regarding the kids and she gives me ';I haven't thought about that yet'; or ';I don't know'; or she just shruggs.
Call and leave voice mail on their answering machine or continue sending e-mail. Ex spouses are required by law to communicate when it is regarding minor children. Their curiosity will get the best of them and they'll read e-mails and listen to the voice mail.
Tell them that acting this was will effect your daughter and you refuse to put her in the middle of your disagreements.
No i haven't but there are acting like children's and you know what you should just ignore them too and just when you see them don't say hi say nothing unless they come up too you. Have some pride
no i have not had this problem..but what is going to happen by you sending your kid with notes to them in order to comunicate..is that she is going to get stuck in the middle of it and that is not in any way ok at all....being that everyone is over thirty...i would say that everyone should be able to be an adult about it....if he did not want kids he should not have gotten you pregnant..you are doing what you have to do and you have been adult about things..now they need to suck it up and be adults to...dont let them start choosing how everything is going to be and not let you have a say in it..like this whole communication thing...if you have to get a lawyer then get one..you dont want nothing to happen to your status with your child..how do you know they are not already thinking of going to one themselves to try and do something...you need to be one foot ahead of them at all times...good lluck!
We sort of have this problem in reverse...My bf lives with me and his 2 children come to visit us...They live with their Mom, appx 45min away and my bf does ALL the driving. The scedule is varied and crazy due to his work schedule and the children's mother who just wants her children when it is convenient for her to have them. (not often) She will not talk to him except to criticize anything and everything. She refuses to use email but rather calls at odd hours, yelling at him and then hangs up when he tries to have a conversation with her. I've tried too, but to no avail. We are going to court to mediate some of this. No it isn't the way we wanted it to be but, the way it has to be to protect the children's best interests. It's inappropriate to have a 9 yr old be a letter carrier between her parents. You've tried everything, court seems to be the only option.
Good luck!
This problem is universal. Sounds like the new wife has put down some rules, no contact with you ... She is jealous and worried about you in their lives. Been there, I know... As for your daughter, she is being put in the middle. You do need to talk to your lawyer again, as there should be some different school arrangements made. Either for the school year she stays with you and goes to a school in your district and then goes to his home on weekends, or vice versa. That way she can be more stable. She could stay with you or him in the summers then.... and alternate weekends...hope this helps
I have never had to encounter this problem. It sounds like some parties in this family are choosing to not act like grown ups. The fact that they want to use your daughter for any and all communication because of a custody schedule disagreement, is sickening. Children should never be put in the middle of grown up issues. You need to either call them, email them or mail them a letter and let them know that you will not use your child as a messenger and that they should have half a brain and realize that doing such is going to be harmful to your childs well being and that you will have no parts of that.
DONT talk to stepmum,she is nothing to you,demand to talk to your ex-husband....what was the problem about exactly,some custody-schedule thing....coldnt this be sorted out in court before...?I dont get it sorry,no way REFUSE to have your kid in the middle of your war and indifferences,...she is too young for this bullshit her parents are in...Maybe you should be back n court and discuss it properly with HIM,legally his wife shouldnt interfere...if they keep on using the child as a GO-BETWEEN you as her mum are deply CONCERNED about her emotional stress and trauma and you and he GOTTA talk,for sake of child,he as the fathr sure wants whats best for her,I hope so...
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